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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26799775">Erebus and Theia</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgueinlefay/pseuds/morgueinlefay'>morgueinlefay</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Domestic Violence, Family Dynamics, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:34:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,045</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26799775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgueinlefay/pseuds/morgueinlefay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He taught her everything about magic. She taught him everything about friendship.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter &amp; Severus Snape, Marauders &amp; Lily Evans Potter, Marauders &amp; Severus Snape, Petunia Evans Dursley &amp; Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin &amp; Severus Snape</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. When Erebus met Theia</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>When I read Harry Potter as a kid, it shocked me that whole thing of "he was in love with Lily", for some reason, my brain could not understand this. So with time, the idea of an aro/ace Snape fic came to my mind and here I am, posting the first chapter.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The sun hurt his eyes. That was his first thought when he woke up that morning after two hours of sleep. He had spent the night crying as he heard his parents having an argument in the next room. At some point, his dad had left the house slamming the door and he could hear his mum crying, probably on the the dirty floor. He wanted to get out of bed and help her, but he was scared, his mum didn't want him to see her like that and she would run away if he saw her crying. Her sobbing was better than the silence. </p><p class="p1">After an hour of crying, Eileen had come into his room, lied on the bed next to him and hugged his tiny fragile body. Her face was damp from the tears and her voice shaky.</p><p class="p1">"It's going to be okay" - she whispered into his ear. </p><p class="p1">"What if he kills you one day?"</p><p class="p1">"He won't" - but the fact was that she had the same fear as her son. </p><p class="p1">Her mum wasn't in his room in the morning, she had probably sneaked out once he had fallen asleep to wash off the blood and cure her injuries. He laid there for a minute, remembering his mother's warmth as she hugged him. She was the only person to ever show affection to him. His father would hit him whenever he was in a bad mood, which was every minute of every day, and kids at his school would push him and spit on him. He had asked her mum to stay home until he was old enough to get his Hogwarts letter, but she has refused, saying that it was good for him to learn about the muggle world. </p><p class="p1">Eileen had decided to start teaching his son some magic behind her husband's back. If he ever found out... Severus was sure he wanted to kill her now, if he knew she was a witch, she'd be dead in a blink of an eye. And he would kill his son too. But as a mother, she wanted her son to grow up as a normal kid. They might be poor and hiding their powers, but he had as much right to know a few spells as any other magic born child. And he had the brains and the ability. He'd devoured her magic books which they kept hiding under the floor boards under his bed and, whenever Tobias was out drinking at the pub, she'd sit with him and help him memorise the spells. </p><p class="p1">That morning, he wished he knew a spell that would make him want to get out of bed. He wanted to stay there, sink into the bed and go to a place where there was no pain, no tears,  no Tobias. But he could hear his dad snoring noisily and once he had got up, he'd be doomed if he was in the house. So he jumped out of bed as quiet as possible, put on some of his clothes and left his room. Before leaving, he took a bit of stale bread from the kitchen and put it in his pocket. </p><p class="p1">As soon as he put a foot outside the house, the smell from the river hit him in the face, making him retch. He ran as fast as he could to get away from the smell, away from the danger, away from his life. </p><p class="p1">There was a small glade where he liked to hide and eat breakfast. He went there every day to practice his spells and imagine a life he couldn't have. He had hope that i at the end of that summer, he'd be on the train on his way to Hogwarts and a new life away from that stinky place. In that place, he felt safe and he was able to free his imagination. </p><p class="p1">After leaving the smelly Spinner’s End, his stomach started to rumble so he hurried up. When he arrived, he saw that someone had invaded his little safe space. Before realising what he was doing, he jumped behind a tree and spied on that intruder. </p><p class="p1">The intruder in question was a girl of a similar age. Her hair went down in a reddish cascade, framing a pale face lightened with joy. She was jumping around and singing, taking flowers from the trees near her and making them fly. But the flowers were not falling on the ground as the law of gravity intended, they were suspended in the air and when she crossed through them they'd fly behind her, playing with her hair. </p><p class="p1">Severus had never seen anyone doing such beautiful magic. Not even his mother, who performed spells elegantly despite the bruises and her shaking hands. The girl's laughing filled the air and the smell from the grass made it all seem like a dream. He had lost his safe space, that girl, whoever she was, had taken it from him and was doing magic. He was too scared to come out of his hiding place and say hi. He wanted to meet someone like him, but he didn't want to break her happiness. What would she thing when a boy smelling like smoke, with mismatched clothes and hair that seemed to be washed using oil instead of water approached her and told her she was a witch.  She'd probably spat at him, as those kid at that muggle school did. </p><p class="p1">He sat there for an hour, until someone called the girl and she left running. Lily. He didn’t want to contaminate that place once she’d left. Her presence was still in the air, a smell of flowers and strawberries and more light that he had ever seen. He ate the bread sitting on the ground and with his free hand he made a little sprout grow on the ground. He moved his hand lightly ant it became an orange lily, which grew until it touched his fingers and then disappeared with a pop.</p><p class="p1">That afternoon, when he went home, he felt his heart warmer. He couldn’t wait to tell his mum that there was a little wizard in the forest today. She would ask why hadn’t he introduced himself and would tell him to not let his looks pull him back. But he couldn’t talk with her that day. When he arrived home, his dad was sitting at the kitchen table with a bottle of bear between his hands and an open book in front of him.</p><p class="p1">Severus had never seen his father with a book, he doubted he was able to read with the amount of alcohol that ran through his veins. But when he realised what that book was, he was paralised. It was one of his mum’s witchcraft books. Specifically, a book about potions that he had been reading the night before and had left it under his pillow. That’s what he didn’t understand. It was <em>under</em> his pillow. What was the book doing <em>on</em> the kitchen table?</p><p class="p1">“So, where’s your mother” - Tobias voice sounded twangy from the alcohol. That beer was probably not the first nor the second he had had that evening.</p><p class="p1">“I… I…”</p><p class="p1">“You’re like your mother, so stupid you can’t even talk”.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know” - he managed to say in a whisper. He cowered into a corner when his father got up, letting the chair fall onto the floor.</p><p class="p1">“What’s this shit? What has she been putting inside that greasy head of yours?” - his voice was rising with every word, he was getting angrier and Severus’ fear made him stronger.</p><p class="p1">“That’s just fiction… Mum gave it to me this summer so I…” he couldn’t finish the sentence, the book flew across the room and hit him in the face. At that moment, he didn’t feel pain, only the blood clotting his nostrils and making him breathe that dense air through his mouth.</p><p class="p1">“THIS IS BULLSHIT, SHE’S PUTTING IDEAS IN YOUR HEAD, THIS SHIT DOESN’T EXIST, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, BOY?”.</p><p class="p1">“Y… Yes, sir” - he felt tears flooding his eyes, making his vision blurry which would make it more dangerous because he wouldn’t see the next punch coming.</p><p class="p1">In that moment, the door opened and Eileen step inside, carrying a bag of food that didn’t look too fresh. When she saw her son’s face covered in blood, the bag slipped through her fingers and fell. An apple rolled under the sofa and left a thin trail on the dust that covered the floors.</p><p class="p1">“My baby boy, my baby boy” - she started saying. She looked up and saw Tobias, he looked deranged and his eyes, injected in blood, screamed murder. And then she saw the book on the floor. She’d always thought of the fear is he ever found out about her powers, but the fear didn’t come. Instead, she felt rage. Her fingertips were tingly and suddenly she saw that little dirty drunken muggle in front of her. How could she fear that thing? She was more powerful than him, and now he probably thought she was crazy, a child who believed in magic.</p><p class="p1">The bottle on Tobias’ hand broke and tiny shards flew over the room. But before they rose and attacked him. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing, even though he’d been drinking hard for years, he’d never had such real hallucinations. He hid under the table and the crystals stabbed the wood. One of them hit him under his eye and a drop of blood appeared like a rose on the snow.</p><p class="p1">Eileen couldn’t believed she had attacked her husband. She stood there, her arms around her son, protecting him from the monster she had put into their lives.</p><p class="p1">“Never, ever, do that again to him” - the adrenaline was starting to wear off her system and she could feel her voice tremble, but tried to stand her ground and sound threatening.</p><p class="p1">“What have you done, woman?” - Tobias cleaned the cut with a dirty finger and licked the blood - “You’re going to pay for this, you fucking creep”.</p><p class="p1">He tried to grab her neck but before he could touch her, she had taken her wand from the inside of her boot where she hid it. With a flick, Tobias was on the floor, unconscious.</p><p class="p1">“What did he do to you?”</p><p class="p1">“It’s nothing, I had it worse” - Severus was thinking of all the times his dad had hit him when his mother wasn’t around. That was why he had learned healing spells without telling her mum, he didn’t want her to find out and get worried about him, she had enough on her plate.</p><p class="p1">“Let me just fix that. <em>Episkey</em>” - she flicked her wand in front of his nose and she casted the spell - “Now, let’s eat something and go to bed, you’ve been out all day”<em>.</em></p><p class="p1">The memory of the redheaded witch had vanished from his mind. Arriving home and finding that situation left him exhausted and couldn’t remember what he had been doing all day. He couldn’t even remember the book hitting his face, everything seemed like a blur.</p><p class="p1">“What is going to happen now?” - he knew his mother didn’t want to tell her husband about her powers. Their powers. But that book had given them away.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know, I might just erase this from his tiny brain. Or maybe alcohol will do that for me”.</p><p class="p1">“But he’ll keep doing this to us over and over”.</p><p class="p1">“He won’t” - her tone was harsh when she said this.</p><p class="p1">That night, mother and son slept sharing the same bed, Eileen protectively hugging Severus as if a meteor was going to fall on him and her arms were indestructible.</p><p class="p1">The next days were all confused together. The first day after everything happened, Severus returned to the glade to find, to his surprise, the redheaded witch. But this time she was not alone, another girl, younger than her, was with her. Some days she’s be there, and others, it was only Lily. Those days when she was alone were the days where he told himself “I have to say hi, I need to meet her” but he couldn’t bring himself to confront her expression of revulsion when he showed up.</p><p class="p1">His dad didn’t mention the magic thing again and Eileen didn’t erase his memories. Either he had forgotten it in the alcohol haze or he was getting ready for another strike. However, despite him being silent about the book, the fights between the married couple went on daily. Some days, Eileen would be left bleeding and crying on the floor and others they would shout so loud that some neighbour knocked on the door to see if everything was alright, which stopped the argument.</p><p class="p1">Things went on like this until the end of June. That day he was hiding behind a bush in a playground watching the two girls playing at a swing. At some point, Lily took a flower and made the petals move with her magic. When her sister asked how could she do that, he gathered up the courage to get up. It wasn’t exactly how he had wanted it to be, him creeping behind a bush and then calling her a witch, something she definitely didn’t like. The girls left the scene and he was, again, alone. He hugged his legs and cried from shame. Why had he done that? Why had he been following them like a creep instead of introducing himself like any normal person would do?</p><p class="p1">He didn’t have any answers. But the voice inside his head did. It was his father, saying how much of a creep he was. “You’re just a weirdo, not even your own blood loves you”. Maybe he was right. Maybe he didn’t deserve anything and his life was hiding behind bushes and seeing how other people lived. He wanted that happiness that he knew he could never have.</p><p class="p1">The next day, he didn’t went to the playground to where he had followed the girls the previous day. He went to the glade where he lied with eyes closed and making the grass dance around his hands. At some point, the sun that was warming his face disappeared and he opened his eyes. Instead of finding a cloud covering the sun, he found a face looking at him with curiosity.</p><p class="p1">“So… You weren’t lying when you said I was a witch, were you?”</p><p class="p1">Severus was unable to build a sentence. His tongue suddenly felt too big for his mouth and the voice of his dad had returned “you’re going to fuck it up the same way you did yesterday, you can’t do anything right”.</p><p class="p1">“My name’s Lily, by the way” - she said holding out her hand.</p><p class="p1">“I know” - he mumbled.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, right, I had forgotten you’ve been spying on me” - she laughed but her eyes looked cold as she said it.</p><p class="p1">“It’s not like that, it’s just that I’ve never seen anyone my age doing magic before but I was too scared to talk to you in case you…”</p><p class="p1">“What? Did you seriously think that I would spat on your face or something like that?”.</p><p class="p1">“Actually, yes I did”.</p><p class="p1">“Well, I wouldn’t do that to anyone, unless you wanted to attack me in which case I’d break your wrist first”.</p><p class="p1">“Seems fair”.</p><p class="p1">“So, what’s your name”.</p><p class="p1">“Oh… Emm, Severus”.</p><p class="p1">“Nice to meet you Severus” - she sat next to him and made the grass dance again - “You said your mum’s a witch too, did she ever teach you anything?”</p><p class="p1">“Some spells here and there, but I can’t do anything until I have my own wand”.</p><p class="p1">“Do we get <em>wands</em>?” - Lily’s eyes opened in surprise and excitement.</p><p class="p1">That’s how she started to learn about the magical world. Every other afternoon, they’ll meet at the glade and talk for hours about Hogwarts, the Ministry of Magic, Azkaban… Lily was terrified of the fact that she’d never had any sort of magical learning and Severus taught her some of the spells his mum had taught him before. She was good at it, her memory was astonishing and learning latin names were not a problem for her. He asked his mum for some books and he would lend them to Lily who would appear with them two days later.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry it took me so long, I just wanted to take notes” - the book in question had 600 pages.</p><p class="p1">Lily loved learning about magic and she couldn’t wait to go to Hogwarts. In her mind, she thought that the little weird boy from Spinner’s End was just making fun of her. But this idea changed the moment a woman wearing neat scarlet robes showed up at her house. She introduce herself as Minerva McGonagall, deputy Headmistress of Hogwarts. Her tall and upright figure scared Lily even though Severus had already talked to her about the Transfiguration teacher. In her strong Scottish accent, McGonagall explained to her and her parents what came next and handed her her own Hogwarts letter with a list of things she needed to buy. Her parents were proud of her and didn’t stop talking about how their bright kid was a witch while her sister Petunia sat at the couch, arms crossed and looking jealously at Lily.</p><p class="p1">Severus got his letter too but he wasn’t so lucky. The owl they had sent arrived when his father was in the house and he got the letter before Eileen or her son. Tobias face changed in a moment when he read what the letter said and looked into his son’s eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Apparently the freak is being called to join freak school. Well, no son of mine is ever going to go to that place, not even this little piece of shit” - his face was started to get red and his eyes were already red from the alcohol. It was only ten in the morning.</p><p class="p1">“He will go” - Eileen sentenced, putting herself between father and son before her husband could raise his hand against him - “He will go and so will you, you’ll leave this house once and for all”.</p><p class="p1">Tobias’ hand was in the air. His brain was trying to recognise that woman that stood in front of him protecting that rat of a son he had. Eileen, who had taken all of his blows, who was left on the floor sitting on her own blood and, sometimes, urine, was looking at him fiercely. Then, it came again, the memory of that evening and the book. He should have killed her then.</p><p class="p1">He closed his hand and his fist hit her left ear. She fell on her knees, her hand covering her ear and blood running through her fingers. She didn’t look scared.</p><p class="p1">“Fuck you” - she said, but she couldn’t reach her wand because her husband’s boot stepped on her right hand. A small cry came between her lips but she didn’t want to give him the pleasure that he’d had for years. She would fight back. She bit his leg and Tobias jumped backwards, holding his calf.</p><p class="p1">“You bitch, you’re just a little bitch, aren’t you?”.</p><p class="p1">Eileen’s wand was already in her hand, but before she could flick it against him, the wood from the fireplace flew to his head and almost knocked him out. Severus was standing there, looking at his father with a terrified expression. But behind that fear there was something more powerful. He was angry.</p><p class="p1">“Get out or I’ll kill you” - he said to Tobias with a cold voice - “If I ever see you again, if I ever have to look at your face, I’ll kill you”.</p><p class="p1">“Well, well, well, it seems like the kid is not such a pussy after all, he can fight back” - he was, in fact, frightened. He spat blood on the floorboards and left the house. But before leaving, Severus could see the dark stain on his jeans.</p><p class="p1">His mum was able to put charms around the house, she said that way he could never find it and that they were already safe. Severus didn’t believe her, but he wanted to feel safe for once in his life.</p><p class="p1">The next day, when he met with Lily, he didn’t mention what had happened. He listened to her talking excitedly about McGonagall’s visit, the shopping list for Diagon Alley and how her sister was dying of jealousy.</p><p class="p1">“She’s just a muggle, you know?” - he said, bitterly.</p><p class="p1">“So? I kind of feel bad for her. All of this is happening to me and she has to sit and watch, she has been left as a spectator”.</p><p class="p1">“That’s what muggles are for, watch. The only time they interfere into our lives is to fuck it up” - he was talking without thinking; he was angry and still scared of what had happened the morning before and he despised his dad, who happened to be a muggle.</p><p class="p1">“My parents are muggles” - Lily was starting to feel hurt about his talk.</p><p class="p1">“You’re right, I’m sorry” - he mumbled. “I told you, you can’t do anything right” his dad’s voice said inside his head. He might be gone from his life, but not from his inner thoughts.</p><p class="p1">He felt their friendship slipping away. When he hit Petunia with that branch, he wasn’t thinking. Her insults were his father’s insults, he wasn’t going to take it from that brat. And Lily defended her sister, her <em>muggle</em> sister, instead of him. He couldn’t understand why, he would defend her over everything. But Lily, for some reason he wasn’t able to comprehend, was forgiving. She understood that he had felt hurt but asked him to never do something like that. Not to her sister, not to anyone. He promised.</p><p class="p1">And so the summer came to an end. Eileen lent his son some of her old robes that could fit him and together they visited Diagon Alley. Since Tobias was out of their lives, Eileen looked healthier and didn’t have to cast spells every time she had to leave the house to hide the injuries that not even magic could fix. They were both finally happy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Fear facing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">He had hoped things would change once he had left that muggle school and started his education at Hogwarts. He was wrong. But he wouldn’t discover this until later.</p><p class="p1">Lily and Petunia had an argument over a letter the latter had received from Dumbledore. Or, more specifically, that she had sent and got a reply. One afternoon, Severus had come over Lily’s house, they were planning to go over her recently bought books, but something stopped him at the entrance: an envelope with Dumbledore calligraphy. For Petunia. She was too old to get her Hogwarts letter, so that could only mean that she had sent Dumbledore a letter.</p><p class="p1">Filled with curiosity, Severus picked up the letter and knocked on the door. Once him and Lily were alone, he took it out from his pocket.</p><p class="p1">“Why would you take a letter that is not for you?” - Lily was angry but there was a tone in her voice that gave away her interest in that letter.</p><p class="p1">“She’s always calling you a freak. But she’s just jealous of you and this proves it”.</p><p class="p1">Lily took the letter from him and opened it. It was a very polite answer where Dumbledore explained that she was a bright young woman that would prosper in her world but that talent would go to waste at Hogwarts.</p><p class="p1">“She’s such a hypocrite” - Severus mumbled.</p><p class="p1">“I still think it’s sad, I’m going to this amazing school to do magic while she goes on with her normal…”</p><p class="p1">“And boring.”</p><p class="p1">“… life” - Lily finished the sentence as she put the letter back in the envelope - “We should put it back to where you found it so she doesn’t find out we’ve read it” - she pressed her hand against the broken sealing wax and it came together, as if it had never been opened.</p><p class="p1">But Petunia did find out about it when she called her sister a freak at King Cross Station and Lily counterattacked with the letter. Severus found her in the train, her eyes wet from the tears she was trying to hide. That’s when he met James Potter. Cocky James Potter, talking down Slytherins and trying to trip Severus just because he had decided he did not like him. Another shitty guy like all those kids in the muggle school.</p><p class="p1">Lily and him went to another compartment, he was clenching his hands and when they sat down he found eight half moons of blood on his hands.</p><p class="p1">“Just ignore him, he seems to be a brat” - said Lily looking at his hands with an expression of concern in her face. He cleaned the blood in his robes and looked away.</p><p class="p1">“I’m use to brats like him, I just didn’t think that was the kind of person I would first meet here”.</p><p class="p1">“It wasn’t, you’ve met me first”.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, but what if we’re not in the same house?”</p><p class="p1">“Does is matter? Even if we’re at different houses we can still be friends, can’t we?”.</p><p class="p1">“I guess”.</p><p class="p1">They spent the rest of the journey talking about what they wanted to see in Hogwarts, their noses were on the glass window as they saw the green surroundings passing by. At some point, Lily jumped on her seat.</p><p class="p1">“It’s the castle, we can already see it from here!”</p><p class="p1">Hogwarts stood in the middle of a green sea of trees. As they started approaching it, they could see the lake that surrounded it.</p><p class="p1">“One of the books said that there’s a giant squid in there” - Lily said.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, but my mum said it never hurts students” - Severus replied - “even though I know one that I would use as squid food” - he added.</p><p class="p1">“Sev! Don’t be like that, chances are you won’t probably see him again” - she was wrong. He saw him again at the sorting ceremony and was between those students who would boo anyone sorted into Slytherin. When he was sorted, his booing became louder.</p><p class="p1">That first dinner he felt alone again. He was surrounded by happy first-year-students who asked lots of questions. There was one question that stood between the rest: what family are you from? Several kids felt uncomfortable when confronted with this question, Severus included. One of the prefects, Lucius Malfoy was his name, was the one that asked him this question. He fixed his cold blue eyes on him and waited for an answer.</p><p class="p1">“Well… I’m a Prince” - he used his mother’s name because there were probably no wizards with his father’s and he didn’t want to risk it, that Lucius looked scary to him.</p><p class="p1">“I didn’t know we had royalty between us” - he said sarcastically, but at least he made no further questions and Severus was able to finish his dinner in peace.</p><p class="p1">He cried that night, covering his face with the pillow he let everything get out of his chest as people around him snored. If he was caught crying like a baby during the first night, that would be the end of it. But he couldn’t help it. He had put so many hopes on Hogwarts, and it had turned out to be another hell under a different name. Trying not to make noise, he let the tears soak the fabric. His mouth tasted the salt and he felt ashamed, he was an 11-year-old acting like a 5-year-old but he couldn’t stop it. He needed to scream, he needed to let go of that weight that was oppressing him. He spent an hour like this, by the end, his head felt dizzy and felt into a sleep with no dreams and no rest.</p><p class="p1">The next morning he felt terrible, the crying hangover hit him in the face which was swollen and hurt. He tried to hide it behind his hair as he didn’t want people to realise what had happened during the night, in fact, some of his roommates were talking about some weird noises they had heard in the middle of the night, which he supposed were his silent screams.</p><p class="p1">At breakfast he saw Lily with a group of Gryffindors, she waved her hand at him and he tried to wave back, but his arms felt heavier than he had thought. Professor Slughorn, head of Slytherin, was handing over their schedules and he saw that some classes were with another houses. He was definitely not looking forward to Potions, which he had with Gryffindor. The simple thought of having to share a class with that Potter kid made his stomach turn.</p><p class="p1">His first class was Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall. Lily had warned him about her imposing presence but he was scared of her anyways. She did a few demonstrations, turning the classroom furniture into animals such as zebras and colourful parrots. Everyone in the class was excited about turning their quills into birds but were soon disappointed when the Professor gave each of them a match to turn into a needle. The room was soon full of people screaming <em>Acus ut, </em>some wands flew over the students head and some matches ended up catching fire.</p><p class="p1">Severus stared at his match. It seemed like a ridiculous spell to learn, but he was scared that he might not be able to do it. He felt someone watching over his shoulder and turned around. Professor McGonagall was looking at him with encouragement in her eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Go on, you can’t learn in if you don’t try it”.</p><p class="p1">Trembling, he raised his wand and tried to feel confident about his magic. “You’ve been able to do more than this, you can’t mess something as silly as this” he said to himself.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Acu…</em>”</p><p class="p1">“You’re not capable of doing it, you hear me? She’s just standing there knowing that you’re not able to do the easiest spell because you don’t even belong in freak school” - his father’s voice filled his brain suddenly and his wand fell off his hand. With worried expression, McGonagall picked it up and left it on the table.</p><p class="p1">“Are you okay?”</p><p class="p1">“Yes, yes” - everyone had turned to see him and he felt his eyes filling with tears once again. He had to be able to do that spell or he’d be even worse than those who had turned their matches into rats tails - “<em>Acus ut</em>” - he said with a steady voice, even he was impressed that he hadn’t started crying. And even more impressed when he found himself staring at a needle instead of a match or a rat tail.</p><p class="p1">“Very well done, five points to Slytherin”.</p><p class="p1">That was the first time someone that wasn’t his mother congratulated him. He felt proud but at the same time he was relieved that he had managed to do that even under the pressure of his father’s memory. Maybe he belonged to Hogwarts after all.</p><p class="p1">The next two classes were Charms and Herbology, both of them were better than Transfiguration since he didn’t make a fool of himself in front of his classmates. Before he could realise it, the morning was over and he was eating with his nose buried in the Charms book. And then it struck him, he had Potions afterwards. The excitement of seeing Lily and telling her about his classes was eclipsed by his fear of the other Gryffindors.</p><p class="p1">When he arrived at the dungeons, the door was closed and some students were already waiting there.</p><p class="p1">“Sev!” - Lily appeared out of nowhere in front of him, she was blushed and talking fast - “I haven’t seen you since breakfast, why haven’t you talked to me?”</p><p class="p1">“Sorry… I was just too tired I probably didn’t even see you” - a lame excuse but she was too happy to be bothered by something like that.</p><p class="p1">“How has you morning been? I’ve just had Transfiguration and I can’t wait to turn my table into a pig. And Professor McGonagall is the greatest teacher we have, isn’t she?”</p><p class="p1">“She’s really good at teaching but I almost faint when she looked at me”.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, what are you two lovebirds doing?” - James had appeared, followed by a cohort of three boys. Severus recognised Sirius Black from the train.</p><p class="p1">“Oh, shut up, will you?” - Lily seemed bothered by him.</p><p class="p1">“Ooooooh” - said James and Sirius in unison - “Are you going to curse me, Evans?”</p><p class="p1">“I might just punch you” - and she looked like she may have done that if Professor Slughorn hadn’t appeared in that moment.</p><p class="p1">For the first time, him and Lily sat together in class. They spent the entire class writing down whatever Slughorn was saying: potion names, effects, antidotes, ingredients, measures… By the end of the class, each of them had filled an entire parchment. There was one thing that they didn’t like about that class and that was that Slughorn seemed to be too interested in them following the book rather than explaining the recipes himself.</p><p class="p1">“He probably doesn’t know how to make any potion” - Severus said to Lily as they walked out of the class.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know, but I don’t want to just follow some instructions without knowing what they mean, I want to learn, not memorise”.</p><p class="p1">“Have you written down how to make a love potion, Snivellus?” - a voice said behind them.</p><p class="p1">“Please, not him again” - he thought. But instead of stopping by to have another splendid conversation, James passed him, hitting him in the back of the head. He then felt another blow, this time by Sirius.</p><p class="p1">“HEY, what do you think you’re doing?!” - screamed Lily, but they had already disappeared - “Are you alright?”</p><p class="p1">Choking back the tears he said “yeah, it’s nothing”. And he was right, it didn’t actually hurt him physically, he was used to way more than a slap on the back of the neck. But he felt those blows hitting him in the gut. Was his pride hurt?</p><p class="p1">“What pride?” - he thought. No, it wasn’t that. It was how they had taken away the enthusiasm from the class. He was so happy that him and Lily were sharing notes and talking about their classes that the reality of James and Sirius existence and hatred towards him coming back in such a violent way left him with no energy.</p><p class="p1">“Let’s go outside, it’ll be good for you” - Lily took his hand and basically dragged him to the school grounds. They sat next to the Great Lake, the sun warming their faces. The grass welcomed them, raising a smell of fading summer.</p><p class="p1">Lily laid on the ground, her hair making swirls so the grounds looked like a beautiful carpet of red and green. Severus sat with his hands around his knees, closing his eyes and absorbing the light he didn’t know he missed.</p><p class="p1">“He fancies you, you know?” - he said.</p><p class="p1">“Who? That Potter guy?” - she scoffed - “yeah, sure, and what else.”</p><p class="p1">“That’s why he hates me”.</p><p class="p1">“Why? Because he thinks we’re together? He doesn’t need a reason to hate you, he just doesn’t like anyone that is not himself. He probably asks himself out every morning when he looks in the mirror”.</p><p class="p1">They both started laughing uncontrollably at the thought of that because they could picture it perfectly.</p><p class="p1">“I’ve missed you today” - Lily said drying the tears from her eyes.</p><p class="p1">“Yeah, me too, it’s been a weird day” - he felt like he wanted to tell her what had happened in Transfiguration class but he didn’t want to add the detail of him getting scared of doing an spell because of his father telling him that he wasn’t able to. She would think he was crazy.</p><p class="p1">“I think it’s awful that they put us in different houses and then we can’t even have lunch together” - coming from a muggle school where she was able to be with her friends in every class, Lily was very opinionated about Hogwarts system of segregating students - “And then that whole point competition seems a way of pulling us all apart”.</p><p class="p1">“They say it’s healthy competition, so we can try our best”.</p><p class="p1">“I bet some people try to make others fail so they can win the House Cup”.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t doubt that”.</p><p class="p1">They spent the entire afternoon there, until the sun hid behind the mountains and the air became cold. They separated at the Great Hall where Lily sat with her Gryffindor friends and Severus sat alone at the Slytherin table.</p><p class="p1">“Wow, you have good taste” - Lucius Malfoy had once again sat next to him and was pointing Lily with a fork.</p><p class="p1">“I don’t know what you mean” - Severus looked at his plate, hoping that he would go away.</p><p class="p1">“Who is she? She looks like a pure blood”.</p><p class="p1">“It’s none of your business”.</p><p class="p1">“I get it, you get protective over your Gryffindor girlfriend” - he pat him on the shoulder and Severus shrug.</p><p class="p1">“She’s not my girlfriend”.</p><p class="p1">“Isn’t she? You should make a move before someone with more guts gets ahead of you”.</p><p class="p1">“Shut up, she’s my friend”.</p><p class="p1">“Sure, sure” - Lucius’ condescending tone was making him sick. His and James’ remarks were making him sick. Why were they so obsessed with him spending time with Lily? Was it that weird that someone like her wanted him as her friend?</p><p class="p1">When he arrived at the common room, he sat down next to the fire and completed his Herbology homework on different types of compost. He sat there until he couldn’t keep his eyes opened and went to bed, hoping that this time he would be able to get some sleep. He was so tired he fell asleep as soon as he touched the bed. He dreamed of light, warmth and moving grass. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is becoming a bit more difficult every time because I don't want to mess up the development. Hope you enjoyed it and see you whenever the next chapter is ready!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Jolly Christmas</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Tw: self-harm, abuse, bullying.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">The Christmas holidays were coming. Everyone at Hogwarts was getting excited about going back home with their families. Even Severus was, for the first time in his life, looking forward to Spinner’s End dirty air. This was probably because he knew he wouldn’t find his father there and because he wanted to get out of Hogwarts. That place one time he had longed to belong to was rejecting him and he was rejecting it. His main reason for wanting to leave were James and Sirius, who would follow him around, making his life impossible. Severus had learned how to hide from them but sometimes, they’d sneak behind him and slap his head or use any spell they had been practising on a branch the previous afternoon. The Slytherin common room was the only safe place for him, the only place that allowed him to be alone with no danger surrounding him.</p><p class="p1">The only thing that kept him going everyday was knowing that, at some point, he would see Lily. He never complained to her about his day, they would talk about classes and, as of lately, about what they wanted to do during the holidays. Lily was a bit nervous about seeing Petunia, she didn’t want her sister hating her if she started talking about Hogwarts and magic, but at the same time she couldn’t wait to see her parents’ faces when she arrived home after such a long time.</p><p class="p1">When winter started approaching and afternoons got colder, they moved their little reunions to the library, where they would study together for whatever exam they had next, exchanging notes. They were top of the class in potions and they would share modifications of the recipes in the book.</p><p class="p1">One evening, they were going to the Great Hall for dinner after a long afternoon studying. They were both tired and starving, which is why he had his guard down. Out of nowhere, James appeared with a smirk on his face, followed by Sirius.</p><p class="p1">“So we meet again” - said James to Severus - “What? Have you been making out in the library? I bet Madame Davis loved seeing that. I bet she wouldn’t enjoy it as much if those books were burned when you returned them”.</p><p class="p1">“<em>Incendio</em>” - Sirius’ wand pointed at the stack of books that Severus was holding in his arms. The smell of burnt parchment rose as the flames started eating the paper.</p><p class="p1">“<em>AGUAMENTI</em>” - screamed Lily.</p><p class="p1">“<em>LOCOMOTOR</em> <em>WIBBLY</em>” - he casted the curse as soon as the books fell on the floor. James fell with a ridiculous move of his arms as if he was trying to keep his balance but failed terribly.</p><p class="p1">“<em>PETRIFIC</em>…” - Sirius curse was interrupted by the appearance of Professor McGonagall who probably wanted to know if the castle was going to burn down because of the terrible smell that filled the air.</p><p class="p1">“What is happening here?” - she asked and the, she saw James lying on the floor with his legs becoming jelly every time he tried to stand up - “Who did this to you, Mister Potter?”.</p><p class="p1">“Snivellus did, Professor” - Sirius was pointing at Severus, his cocky attitude was nowhere to be seen, instead, he seemed to be trembling and talked as if Severus had tried to set him on fire and not the other way around.</p><p class="p1">“That’s not entirely true” - Lily tried to explain.</p><p class="p1">“Did you do this?” - asked McGonagall, severely.</p><p class="p1">“Yes” - Severus whispered.</p><p class="p1">“Then you’re coming with me. And you, Mister Black, take Mister Potter to the Hospital Wing” - she looked at Lily - “And you better hurry up or you’ll have no supper”.</p><p class="p1">“But…”</p><p class="p1">“If you have nothing to do with this, you better leave now or you’ll get detention too”.</p><p class="p1">“WE’RE GETTING DETENTION” - James tried to get up, but the curse and probably his anger made him fall once again.</p><p class="p1">But McGonagall didn’t answer, she turned around and walked away. Severus stood there for a few seconds before realising that she wanted him to follow her. As he left, he saw Sirius trying to lift James and heard the mumbling “Snivellus” and a few insults more.</p><p class="p1">McGonagall didn’t say a word and Severus started wondering where she was taking him because that wasn’t the way to Professor Slughorn’s office. Soon, he realised where they were going and when the stone Gargoyle stood in front of them he knew it was bad. It was really really bad.</p><p class="p1">The Headmaster was sitting behind his desk, going over a very rare book whose pages seemed to be translucent. He looked over his half-moon glasses and Severus shivered when his bright blue eyes fixated on him.</p><p class="p1">“I see you brought Mister Snape, Minerva, what happened?” - he didn’t sound bothered that they had walked in while he was working on something seemed to be way more interesting than what they had come for.</p><p class="p1">Professor McGonagall proceeded to explain not only what she had seen but what had happened before she arrived, which astonished Severus who thought she would defend the student from her house.</p><p class="p1">“Is this true?” - asked Dumbledore.</p><p class="p1">“Yes, sir” - replied Severus looking at his shoes. The moment the Headmaster had turned to look at him he felt too scared to even talk.</p><p class="p1">He heard the door opening behind him and Professor Slughorn arrived out of breath and agitated.</p><p class="p1">“Ah, Horace, I see you’ve made it in time, Minerva was just telling me what happened”.</p><p class="p1">“Is the other kid okay?”</p><p class="p1">“He will be, it was only kids messing around”.</p><p class="p1">Severus felt the anger rise inside of him when he heard this. He even felt McGonagall tense next to him.</p><p class="p1">“Kids messing around?” - she said - “If I hadn’t stop them they would have burn the castle down!”</p><p class="p1">“Will this happen again?” - this time, Dumbledore was talking to Severus in a soft voice.</p><p class="p1">“No… sir” - he was lying, he knew James and Sirius would do that again even when Dumbledore thought it was just a kids’ thing. It wasn’t. They knew what they were doing and if he didn’t stop them, they would end up killing him just for fun.</p><p class="p1">“I think that clears things, Minerva. Christmas is almost here and we don’t want to give these kids detention so close to the holidays. However…” - his voice hardened - “I expect you to be smarter next time, you need to pick your battles and I hope that what happened today does not happen again”.</p><p class="p1">This time, Severus couldn’t even answer, he just nodded and mumbled something unintelligible that sounded like a “yes, sir”.</p><p class="p1">“Well, then, Horace, Minerva, I hope to see you next time in better circumstances like the Christmas Feast” - and he picked his rare book again, leaving McGonagall, Slughorn and Severus confused.</p><p class="p1">McGonagall, seeing that there was nothing left to talk, left the room. She seemed angry but restrained, she had wanted detention for the three students as she knew how this would happen again, only next time they would be more careful to get caught. Slughorn and Severus followed her outside, the Gargoyle closing the entrance to the office behind them.</p><p class="p1">“Kid…” - Slughorn didn’t seem to know what to say or how to handle the situation - “I’m worried, you’re a bright kid but if you act this recklessly you’ll end up in a bad place eventually”.</p><p class="p1">“I was just defending myself”.</p><p class="p1">“I know, I know… But you can’t go around cursing people, even when you think you have a reason to do so”.</p><p class="p1">“They tried to set me on fire”.</p><p class="p1">“They set the books on fire, not yourself”.</p><p class="p1">“Books that I was holding” - he felt his eyes burn from tears. He was angry. He was frustrated. He wanted an adult to understand what had actually happened. That this was not the first nor the last time something like this happened. If he didn’t defend himself, should he just leave them humiliate him?</p><p class="p1">Back in the dungeons, he tried mending his books. They weren’t as badly burned as he had thought they were, but it was enough for him to fear Madame Davis, the librarian. She would skin him alive to repare those books.</p><p class="p1">“I heard what happened with Potter and Black” - it was Lucius, again - “People are talking about how you sent that cocky bastard to the Hospital Wing”.</p><p class="p1">Severus shrugged.</p><p class="p1">“It’s a shame you didn’t have more time to curse that Black kid too. What a waste of potential, all his family have been in Slytherin and he ends up in the brainless house”.</p><p class="p1">Lucius was chatty, as always. He either liked seeing how Severus got uncomfortable around him or he really loved listening to himself talk. Sometimes, he would spend hours talking about nothing: his house, his family his money… And how he would join the Dark Lord once he had finished Hogwarts, whomever that guy was but he sounded a bit like an ass.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, Narcissa, have you heard what little Severus here did to those two Gryffindors?” - Lucius shouted.</p><p class="p1">A pale girl that had just entered the common room laughed. She had a cold laugh. Well, in fact, everything about her was cold: her eyes, her laugh, her voice… Even her movements, which seemed to be precisely calculated. Severus was afraid that one day she would shatter into a million fragments that would pierce everyone surrounding her.</p><p class="p1">“Sorry, I have to go” - said Severus as he sneaked out of Lucius attention.</p><p class="p1">His dormitory was empty, there was not a soul there. He felt the weight of the day fall on his head and he crawled to a corner and started crying. He just had to let it out or he would explode. Or maybe this was exploding. Part of him wanted to be like a bomb, destroying everything in the vicinity, so that place could stop existing.</p><p class="p1">Why had he done that? Why had he cursed Potter? Why hadn’t he restrained himself? Why couldn’t he restrain himself? Why? Why hadn’t he left? Why had he let them do that? What would have happened if he hadn’t curse him? Why would have happened if Lily and him had taken another corridor? What would have happened if Potter and Black had taken another corridor? What if they’d left earlier? What if they’d left later? It was his fault, he was the one that said that was hungry.</p><p class="p1">Hungry.</p><p class="p1">He didn’t feel hungry anymore. His stomach was filled with tears, with rage, with sadness, with <em>what if</em>-s, with <em>what would have happened</em>-s.</p><p class="p1">The floor was cold but he couldn’t feel it, the same way he couldn’t feel his nails trying to tear the skin on his leg. He started bleeding but he couldn’t feel the warmth. He was blocked.</p><p class="p1">Narcissa was the one that found him that way half an hour later. He was still crying, still tearing skin, and as everything he hadn’t noticed, he didn’t see her come in.</p><p class="p1">Now, before we go into what happened afterwards, why was Narcissa there at all? The girl with the cold laugh? As a matter of fact, she was there because of Severus. She hadn’t seen him in the Great Hall and after hearing what had happened she guessed that the kid hadn’t had a bite. She didn’t like a lot of people, but she felt for that skinny kid that would run away from other people like a little mouse.</p><p class="p1">So she had seen him go up the stairs but that was thirty minutes ago. She had taken some food before, hoping to see Severus in the common room but he had left right when she had arrived. And she decided to excuse herself and look for the kid.</p><p class="p1">She found him on the floor, a mess of tears and snot and blood. He didn’t seem to realise that she was standing there.</p><p class="p1">“Hey, hey” - she was whispering as she didn’t want to startle him - “Are you okay?”</p><p class="p1">Obviously, he wasn’t.</p><p class="p1">“I brought you some food… Thought you might be hungry…” - she really had no idea how to talk to people when they weren’t crying so she felt like a fish out of the water. But she couldn’t leave him there alone or his roommates would find a skeleton that had shed. She put a hand on his shoulder and he was suddenly motionless.</p><p class="p1">When Severus became aware of her presence, the first though he had was that his dad had found him crying and he had come to teach him how to be a man. But the hand was warm and welcoming, and when he looked up he was surprised to see Narcissa.</p><p class="p1">“It’s okay, I just thought you might want some food…” - she didn’t know what to do before and now that he was aware of her presence she wasn’t sure of what to do.</p><p class="p1">“Thank you” - he said inaudibly.</p><p class="p1">“Let me see this” - she lifted his trouser leg carefully since the blood was starting to adhere to the fabric - “<em>Episkey</em>” - Severus felt a tickle as the tissue magically regenerated under her wand - “<em>Episkey</em>” - she kept chanting under her breath - “That’s better, isn’t it?”</p><p class="p1">“Thank you” - he repeated.</p><p class="p1">“Do you feel like you can get up and clean that blood? Or we can stay here a little longer”.</p><p class="p1">“No, no, I’m fine, I’ll go to the bathroom… It’s fine, really”.</p><p class="p1">Narcissa helped him get up and left him alone, not with a bit of reticence, and he stayed there for a while. He was feeling dizzy, even after eating. In fact, the food felt like rocks inside his stomach, but it was a bearable pain. His legs, however, felt sticky and, even though, she had healed the open wounds, he would still feel his nails tearing the skin apart.</p><p class="p1">In the bathroom he cleaned the blood and washed away the tears. His eyes hurt and they felt as if they were going to fall off his head. He closed them and the corridor scene replayed itself in front of him, clear as day. He opened his eyes abruptly and splashed cold water on his face. He closed again his eyes and when he felt the images forming he pressed his hands against his eye sockets until he only saw dark shadows moving around.</p><p class="p1">He was tired but that night he didn’t sleep much. Every time he slipped into a dream, Sirius and James came out of nowhere and he would wake up startled and sweating. The morning came and he was still feeling exhausted, but he knew he had to get up. He would go home in two days, so that was something to look forward to.</p><p class="p1">At breakfast, he tried hiding from everyone, he didn’t even want to se Lily, who would ask him about what had McGonagall said the previous day. He survived that day with no incidents. And the next one. And then it was home time.</p><p class="p1">He had been avoiding Lily those days so when they had to get into the Hogwarts Express she approached him as soon as she saw him.</p><p class="p1">“Sev, hey, Sev! What’s wrong with you? ”</p><p class="p1">“Nothing, why would you say that?”</p><p class="p1">“I haven’t seen you since that day at the corridor. Have you been avoiding me?”</p><p class="p1">“What? Of course not” - he lied - “I’ve been really busy with homework, that’s it”.</p><p class="p1">“Well, we used to do homework together, remember?”</p><p class="p1">“I know, I’m sorry”.</p><p class="p1">And that was it. After that conversation Lily was the sparkly person she always was and the journey home felt too short.</p><p class="p1">When they got off the train at King’s Cross, Severus didn’t see his mum there. He scanned the entire platform, but Eileen was nowhere to be seen. Lily’s parent hugged their daughter and asked him if he wanted a ride home. Reluctantly, he accepted. He was worried his mum wasn’t there, she had written a few days back saying that she’ll be there. Did something happened to her on her way to the station?</p><p class="p1">He asked Lily’s parents to drop him off a few blocks away from his home. He didn’t want Lily or her parents to see the wreckage he called his home. He realised the mistake he had made when he started to worry more and more now that he was alone. Every step seemed to take forever, the streets were stretching before him. It was a nightmare. Maybe he was dreaming. But he was not. And he had reached his front door.</p><p class="p1">“Mum? Are you here?” - he entered the house and a smell hit him. Alcohol - “MUM?”</p><p class="p1">“WOULD YOU SHUT UP, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?”</p><p class="p1">He couldn’t move. His mum came out of the bedroom and hugged him even though it hurt her. Every part of her body was aching.</p><p class="p1">“Mum…?”</p><p class="p1">And that’s when he saw him. His dad. His dad was standing there, looking at him with disgust and reeking of cheap alcohol. <em>He was back</em>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel I'm getting worse at this with every chapter, but I hope you've enjoyed this. I'm trying as hard as I can to not fuck up the grammar but sometimes I just get a bit sloppy, so sorry about that. </p><p>And no, Madame Davis does not exist, but I had to create a librarian that came before Madame Pince so there you have an OC that likes to bind her books with the skin from students.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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